Several times last year, I'd roll over to a clock blaring 4:00am. This....occurrence started in '08, against my permission because I LOVE to sleep... I nap daily... trust me when I say...I wasn't waking me up!!
Regardless, in this 3 years time, I'd have this plaguing notion. A nagging awareness or feeling, that I just began voicing to my husband.....in a whisper...in the dark...at 4am (so no one else knew my secret). The first time I said it out loud almost rendered me crippled from shock- "Honey", I'd slowly ration out in my best conspiracy tone..."this is not my life".
WHAT?!?! I must be delusional. When did my life, not become my life? And if it's not my life...whose is it?
Fast forward today- August 19, 2011 and you guessed it...I'm wide awake and it is 4 o'clock in the morning. I'm laying there in the dark....eyes wide open, staring at blackness and the question sweeps my mind. It's poised in a conversational tone, like "Something" or "Somebody" is talking to me (hint: Somebody is God's nickname).
"So, who are you living for"?, He says.
“Who”? I reply… “WHO?? What do you mean. That's absurd- I'm Christian, who else. Christ of course...So why does life feel so small, and repressed, and ...limited.”
No response.
When I was 5yrs. old at the playground, Life was BIG! And more importantly, I was enjoying being 5... at the playground. Now I'm 30, in my apartment, wishing I was 25 in Italy... Huh?!?! This I gotta figure out… they tell me writing helps.
So that’s my mission- Journal the Journey. The tricky part is- I have a good life: great job in recession (check), warm family and friends (check), healthy body (check), a convertible (check), etc. (check). So it’s not that I don't like my life, I'm just not living it...Hmm.
Next month I turn 31... I suppose I should start.
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